Undisclosed Desires
by whoyouarexo
Summary: My take on Ruth and Jay, sorry that failed as a summary!
1. How it started

Undisclosed Desires

_**R/J [12-15] May refer to future storylines at points.**_

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****Feedback and Ideas much appreciated!**

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__Ruth.__  
__  
__For once, everything in my life that I needed to be stable, was stable. I was in Jay's bed, wrapped in Jay's arms, it was a comfort.___

_Today I had woken up wondering why I hadn't signed up for the Christmas shift, even though I already knew. It was because this year, I thought I would actually be spending Christmas with someone…my brother, Jonathon. But he had different plans; he decided he would rather feed his addiction to drugs. So there I was, all alone again, feeling like a fool for displaying so much trust in someone just because the same blood ran through our veins. I let my guard down, it was stupid, and it would always end badly with someone from my family. We were all scum, that's how we were recognised on the old estate we lived on.___

_Boxing Day – just an excuse for people to either boast about their Christmas or whinge about their hangovers…you had the types in the hospital like Adam and Jess who would swan around waving their perfect family life in our faces, and types like Zoe who would be telling people to be quiet a lot, walking around with sunglasses and painkillers, nursing a hangover.___

_I sort of just floated around, being my normal quiet self, hoping to be ignored so I could just wrap up my shift, and go home to my lonely life. But our E.D department, for some reason was extremely tight knit, staff wise and there was a party. Nobody asked me how my Christmas was, I expect they knew better then to ask the lonely suicidal girl about her feelings, all apart from one. Jay had greeted me as soon as I walked in the door, and at that point I recognised his kind spirit, and how much I admired him, I had as much as broken his heart just 2 months ago, and he had the heart to still look out for me, still offer comfort, and still ask me how I was, when I hadn't even had the heart to do anything other then give him a cold glare or a bitchy comment.___

_Throughout the day, Me and Jay got told to work together, and I found myself becoming snappy yet again. Jonathon, e.g. Brother dearest made a decision to trash my flat, and rob local stores, and seeing as im the family member, Im the one with the police dumped on me. And Jay just happened to be taking his break when I was with the police man, so naturally, with his caring nature; he had to ask how I was.___

_I tried to block it out, change the subject, but Jay kept going with that persistence that nobody else had with me, he knew how to push my buttons, get me to drop my guard even if it was just for 10 seconds. So I spurted it out and left, and Jay said he was sorry, and watched me as I left.___

_I went over to the party, just to keep up appearances, and its not like I had much else to do, I had no money, a trashed flat, no friends, basically nothing but a microwaveable meal and a army of textbooks I didn't even need to read came back to me. I realised that night for the first time consciously, that I was lonely. Then, Jay came up to me, with his usual cheeky grin and smiley disposition.___

_He told me he was sorry for earlier (e.g. pestering until he got the truth), and then I looked into his eyes once more and he said we should get out of here, and for once I had already made the decision as soon as I looked into his warm eyes, inviting me in, I needed somebody and that somebody was Jay. I had missed him almost as soon as he left the hospital room when I dumped him. It wasn't for my benefit, it was for my career. Ever since I was young, I strived for something better then what I had, I strived to help people, I wanted to be at the top of the career ladder.___

_But now, I didn't have Sarah Evans dictating my every move, watching me, hanging my prospects by a thread, I was more relaxed.__  
__He had offered his hand out, and without hesitation, I took it and held it softly, he looked quite surprised that I had accepted so quickly. Then he flashed me one of his trademark smiles, but Jay's smiles had a code. He had one where he was upset, but holding himself together to be the glue that held together everyone else, He had the one where he was joking with people, He had the one where he was doing something against his will for someone else, and He had the one when he was genuinely happy and didn't know a better way to express it. This smile, was defiantly the latter, he was genuinely happy of my presence around him, god help him, all I had ever done was cause him trouble, and all he had ever done was support and help me, whatever snide comments and horrible things I had thrown at him. I smiled back at him, and we both laughed slightly like naughty kids, and he led a skippy run outside the building, so we were outside the hospital.___

_Jay noticed it first__  
__"Its snowing!" he said, looking as excited as I felt. I had always been excitable around snow, but my dad had never let me play in it. Well actually, I couldn't leave my Dad incase he choked on his own sick or drank more vodka, and all my brother did was put stones in the middle of the snowballs and throw them at passing people he disliked, or expensive cars.___

_We were leaning against the wall of the hospital, side by side, watching the snow fall heavily, I saw Jay's eyes light up.__  
__"Typical it's a day after Christmas" I said, softly__  
__Jay snapped out of his trance "I know, I wanted a White Christmas!" he moaned, but I knew him well enough not to take it seriously.__  
__"Did you have a nice Christmas?" He asked me, and I could tell this was when sensitive Jay came out.__  
__"Not really no. I spent it alone and then had a power cut" I said and laughed a little at my own misfortune__  
__"Well Ruth, that is not good, but tonight, I promise you is going to be a lot better" He said, taking hold of my hand again, and I allowed my fingers to slip through his, I looked at his eyes, this was the way you detected emotion from Jay apart from his many smiles. He looked at me, and I knew he wanted to know if I was sure.__  
__I looked up at the snow, taking the sight in for a last time, before turning to fully face Jay, who was eyeing me up and down looking a little confused, but with a happy expression.___

_"Ready for that take-out?" I asked him, and he grinned again, knowing that I wanted in. On everything, our relationship, how everything used to be. He now had the confirmation that I had fell for him as he had fell for me.__  
__"Yeah yeah, just give me 5 minutes to do something yeah?" He said, and swung a arm around my waist, reeling me in closer to him. He kissed me gently, and I wrapped my arms around his neck and pushed him towards the wall, and embraced in a deep passionate kiss. We broke apart softly, and Jay breathed into my neck__  
__"Ive missed you" he started__  
__"Ive missed you too, more than you know" I said, and then put my fingers on his lips silently, and pulled him back in. I wasn't loosing this battle again.__  
__Out of all the years of bad Christmas', bad holidays in general, this had topped it. Without doing anything out of the ordinary, Jay had already brightened my day and made me feel special..___

_After the takeout, we both sat, stuffed to the core on the bus__  
__"Your coming back with me yeah?" He said, stroking my hair, happily.__  
__"Yup" I said quietly, snuggling into his chest___

_The next stop, Charlie and for some reason Tess were there__  
__"If this is weird for you, we can move apart or something" Jay whispered__  
__"No. This is our new start..the world can watch out" I said, with meaning, and a stunned Jay took my chin in his hand and kissed me again, and I placed my hand on his cheek.___

_"Merry Christmas" Charlie cheerfully singsonged, and Jay shot him a sarcastic look, and then they both chuckled..what were they like, those two were like a father and son, always with the easy banter, the simultaneous laughing, but I also know Charlie was the one who supported Jay through the break-up..he knew the ins and outs of things.___

_Tess shot me a knowing glance, and I swear I saw her wink. Tess was the only other person with inside information..although she knew a little more then even Jay himself. Not out of choice__  
__They both got off the bus at the next top and we got off the stop after that, hand in hand.__  
__"Anyone in yours?" I asked, and he looked at me__  
__"Free house" he answered, wide eyed, dangling the keys in my face..__  
__"Well well.." I said, and he nodded, unlocked the door, and swept me off the ground, picking me up__  
__"J-Jay put me down!" I said, nervously, not used to the feeling of being swung around the room__  
__"Not until we reach the destination" Jay smirked at me,and once we reached the bedroom, he dropped me softly on his bed, kicked his door shut, before I grabbed his hand, he spun around, I pulled him closer to me and we picked up where we left off...the perfect night with the perfect gentleman.__  
_


	2. The secret that never got revealed

**Cheers for the reviews guys, keep them coming, I try my best! xx**

_Ruth._

___I woke up the next morning,and Jay was beside me..he was doing that thing, the thing that when I woke up, he would appear to be sleeping, although I had uncovered his snoring habit, and he wasn't snoring, or heavily breathing. That was his cover blown. I could feel his eyes on the back of my head, and for once I didn't feel self concious, or even irritated that a person was taking notice of me. It was Jay, the only person that had come close to softening me. I felt so safe, the way he was holding me, the way he was last night, supportive, understanding, after everything I had put him through._

_I wasn't stupid, I knew everyone in the department found it strange when me and Jay got together, I swear I even saw Noel and Mac stage some sort of intervention. They were looking out for their friend. Jay, was the only member of the department that didn't have a heavy, troubled secret weighing upon him, and because of this he was consistently cheery and nice..Noel and Mac knew this, and obviously didn't want to loose their playmate, maybe they foresaw the part where we broke up, when he just wondered round the department for weeks on end looking gutted._

_I knew the one person in the department that Jay was propped up by, was Charlie. Charlie saw that Jay was a good person the minute he arrived in the department, even when Tess, and lets be honest, most of the department thought he was a cocky idiot. He proved us all wrong. Now, he is the one they all go to. But the only person who ever hears of Jays problems is Charlie, I can always tell. I could tell by the way Charlie had been looking at me, the way he clapped Jays back in a helpful fashion and brought him a cup of tea. Jay hadn't told me much about his family previously, but I knew his dad wasn't around him, either was his mum..he had withheld the information, but had finally snapped and told me, because of a comment I made..I had been in a self deprecating mood, and we had a fight, I told him he was golden balls of his family, and he snarled that he hardly had a family, and he was the only male of his family. For once, I was lost for words...maybe someone had it worse off then me. Charlie was like Jay's second dad, he always joked with him, looked for his approval, looked out for him, I remember Jay had a go at his son once, for being horrible to Charlie. Charlie looked out for Jay as well. It was sweet._

_I finally got up, and saw Jay "sleeping"__  
__"Jay, I know your not sleeping" I said, and he jerked up in __surprise  
__"how did you know I wasn't sleeping?" he said, cheekily, but even if I didnt have the snoring problem, the fact that self labelled "I love my sleep/bed Jay" had just responded that quickly spoke for itself!__  
__"One..you responded quickly. Two..you snore" I said, with a slight laugh at the way his smile fell as if someone was waving something distasteful under his nose__  
__"I snore when I have a cold yes..." He started, but realised that his excuse was useless. He got up and smiled slightly, a different smile, a innocent childlike smile__  
__"I like watching you sleep" he said, weaving his arms around me from behind, and I could feel minty breath on my neck__  
__"Have you already brushed your teeth?" I questioned him__  
__"Are you joking, that's over there! Miles away!" Jay said, indicating to my bathroom across the hall, and he carried on "I took one of your breath mints" he grinned, and I laughed, and turned and kissed him__  
__"Of course you did" I smiled._

_We both went into work around midday, we were working the same shift at the same time, at 1.00, but I liked to be early, and Jay didn't care to argue with me, even when he was moaning the whole way because it was "cold"__  
__"well it has just been snowing" I replied__  
__"And..this is the temperature of a fridge!" Jay complained, like a 3 year old__  
__"Well, I would know, I used to sleep in one" I said, with a laugh and Jay laughed with me__  
__"Well your upgraded now..you have me" he said, with a cheeky wink, and I linked his arm with a soft laugh as we walked into the department.__  
__I should be used to the looks we get, we were the new Adam and Jess..initially my fear about the whole relationship..Adam and Jess were official now, they were engaged and hadn't had a argument in almost months. Me and Jay were the new gossip items, because we argued, broke up, and one of us ended up in hospital..exciting stuff for people who weren't us. I don't find gossip particularly enthralling, but I seem to be quite different to others.__  
__Alice gave me an encouraging grin, and Jay and Noel exchanged a nod, both grinning like Cheshire cats._

_Jay pecked me on the cheek as he went to get us both a chocolate bar from the vending machine..he said that he needed some chocolate in the cold weather, and then told me I was having some because I sometimes forget to eat..bless him.__  
__I stood in the locker room and put my coat in the locker__  
__"So, you and Jay back on?" I heard a voice say, and I whipped around..the obvious choice, Adam__  
__"Yes" I said, a smile crossing my pale features__  
__"Well thats good, you both work alot better together" Adam smiled, and he was now pretending he was looking out for his department, instead of fishing for gossip._

_"Alright Adam?" Jay asked, going past him as he went out the door, and Adam winked at him, leaving me giggling at a confused looking Jay__  
__"he knows?" Jay looked at me__  
__"he seemed to find himself on a need to know basis" I replied, with a quick grin__  
__"chocolate for madam" Jay said, whipping a dairy milk from behind his back, while getting out his galaxy bar__  
__"how did you know..."__  
__"I don't miss a trick" Jay said, winking, and sighed as Tess ushered him out the room to see a patient, and then she came in to see me presumably...or make coffee...or something._

_"Its lovely you two have worked things out after everything" Tess said, and I panicked a little..Tess sounded like she was either going to start a lecture or a pep talk, and she had the kettle turned on.__  
__"Yeah..its great" I said honestly..I know it sounded vague but what else could I say?__  
__Tess crossed over to me.__  
__"Ruth, I know this isn't really my place and you don't have to answer but.." Tess started, and faltered a little bit__  
__"go on" I replied, intrigued to what Tess was taking so long to ask me__  
__"Jay does know about the abortion pill doesn't he? Because whenever I spoke to him after you broke up he always talked about how it was down to him and he just seemed so down" Tess said, and I froze.__  
__"No" I said, I could feel my face draining of its new found colouring__  
__"Ruth.." Tess begun..I could feel a lecture coming on.__  
__"Look I know its bad..honestly I haven't been thinking about it the last couple of weeks..I know he needs to know" I bumbled, awkwardly.__  
__Tess frowned.__  
__"Ok, its just I know he was really cut up about it, thinking it was all his fault and your argument that caused stress. I know this isn't in my boundaries as a nurse, but as your friend and as Jays friend.." Tess carried on__  
__"Its fine" I said, staring into space, and Tess' pager went off, she said sorry and left, and I felt the door shut behind me_

_How could I of been so stupid..to miss that out..how could I have forgot about something that potentially could be a catalyst to my relationship..I knew Jay was hurt and blamed himself a little but Tess was basically saying how upset he was..how he thought it was indefinably his fault..everything was so good and now, there's another burden to bear. I hate being the one in this position, it would break my heart if Jay left, the only man never to let me down..but more importantly, what about his heart, I had already broken down his feelings once and been spared, given another chance, but twice? How would he react..would he be angry, hurt, or just heartbroken, emotionless? Only time would tell, and this is not going to be a easy decision to make, and the consequences are only going to bring forward feelings of guilt, uneasiness and hurt, in both of our cases, and in my case, both outcomes would cause these feelings._

_I had to tell him...soon._


	3. Contemplating the unknown knowledge

**Thanks for the reviews guys, sorry ive been a bit wrapped up in "No Bravery" so I havent been updating!  
**

__  
_Ruth._

_Everytime I think about it, im rooted to the spot, im distracted, im edgy. This could potentially ruin the only thing I had to live for. Jay. I looked at him, studied him with the patients, wanting to know more, wondering how he would react. _  
_I doubt he would be angry, because Jay wasn't a particularly aggressive guy, unless he was being defensive of someone, the way that he was this morning when someone started talking about me not understanding feelings related to babys blah blah..like I cared..but Jay did. He told her quite harshly that that was enough..he must of misunderstood the obvious pain in my facial expression, he thought I was remembering the "miscarriage" when in fact I was weighing up my options about when I was going to let him know about the abortion. Its one of those secrets that you can't just wipe away. Trust me, I have tried many a time._

_Ive already considered leaving things how they are, for completely selfish reasons, and also using the term "what he doesn't know doesn't hurt him" because as much as I try and kid myself about Jays feeling, I know him better then he thinks, and I know he would be heartbroken. It wouldn't be just about the abortion, it would be the fact I couldn't tell him, the only person in my live not to let me down, and he would still feel that I hadn't let my guard down, and that would hurt him. But I had to tell him if he was blaming himself. I couldn't have him living the rest of his live believing that the fight we had at that dinner was the reason for the loss of the baby. Yes I was stressed, but that didn't factor into it, and he needed to know that it was my decision, and it was with my knowledge._

_Im not sure I would of told him if the abortion had gone through, I mean what would be the point, apart from my guilt. I was new to this whole idea of trusting people, it wasn't regular for me. I wasn't one of those people with a million brothers or sisters or nice parents that they could run to their problems with, I was the girl who only knew of a brother and a father, both whom the whole village are scared of. I hate being tagged as a Winters, because I know that people will misinterpret who I am due to the people I share my blood with._

_I laid in bed that night, alone, Jay had signed up to do the night shift, bless him, he only signed up for it so he could be with me on new years eve, I knew him, and he practically admitted it in some sort of embarrassed mumble, which Charlie laughed about as he overheard_  
_"He's really fallen for you" Charlie said, with a small smile_  
_"Really?" I said, not quite believing it, even though I already knew._  
_"Besotted, ive never seen him like it since he worked here" Charlie said, nodding at me, and I had to bow my head towards the ground to avoid sharing the smile that was spreading across my face._

_I told Jay to come to the flat after his shift, as we both had the morning off, and I liked his presence around the place, he made it feel more exciting, more fun, and I felt protected even when I was just sleeping in his arms because I knew that he always would be there. But not if I told him the truth., he couldn't. I had already pulled enough crap on him, I knew it and Im sure he did as well. _  
_He was late though, I wondered if he was ok. It felt strange to be worrying about another person like this, leaning on them, depending on his presence._

_I heard the key twist in the door and smiled lightly. Jay must have just arrived, I took a breath of relief and sighed, I couldn't take Jay for granted._  
_I got out of bed and put on my dressing gown and joined him in the kitchen_  
_"Everything ok?" I asked him, yawning a little bit_  
_"All good babe, just grabbed a shower" Jay said, wrapping his arms around me and kissing me on the cheek. He had a sadness in his eyes though, it was a somewhat familiar sight, not because Jay was sad often, but it was when he had had a hard day at work, or lost a patient he had let himself get emotionally attached too._  
_He stood facing me, and I could tell he was fighting something with his emotions_  
_"Jay what happened?" I asked, looking at him, trying to read him…I hadn't mastered the talent as well as he had yet, but give it time._  
_"You know that patient I was looking after yesterday, the one who had been—well you know" Jay said, he couldn't even utter the word abuse..I knew from the moment she had entered the ward and Jay had uncovered her secret, that it was a instant connection, he had attended some sort of meeting with her, by her request aswell._  
_I motioned for him to carry on, and he sounded quite choked_  
_"She died an hour ago" Jay said, and I could tell he was struggling to hold everything in, the way I had so many times. Thats probably why I recognised it..Jay always held up a guard to anything that directly linked a problem to him, he didn't like people knowing what destroyed him,he held his cards close to his chest, he didn't want people to have knowledge of how they could hurt him, make him cry, make him angry. I was all too familiar with this feeling, and that's why I recognised it straight away, he liked to be the one that helped me out, that's why he rarely showed any signs of upset..he didn't like to be the one that had to lean on people._

_I knew this one would hit hard for Jay, would hurt him probably as much as the death of Mrs Bassey, another patient he had got close to, in a different way. He had really connected to that girl, I had been there the previous day, when she had asked me to fetch him, he was busy at the time so I suggested that I got another nurse, but she was insistent, she needed to talk to Jay. When I asked why, she responded saying he was the one who seemed understanding, sensitive, caring. I had watched Jay with her, he was gentle, kind, tentative, the man I knew he was most of the time really, the guy I had fallen in love with. The word love makes me feel so vulnerable...like ive fallen into a trap, ive officially let my guard down, this could make or break me. People comment on the better standard of my people skills and work when Im with Jay, because he props me up. I know if someone gets out of line, Jay will be at my side with immediate effect._

_"Oh Jay.." I said, not sure of what to say,how to react. He looked at me_  
_"She had a future Ruth, outside of everything else, she could of really turned it around for herself and now.." Jay continued, and a loose tear slipped down his face, and he didn't rub it away._  
_"I know what your going to say Ruth, that im too emotionally involved with patients and all that.." Jay started, but I just reached up and put my arms around him, Jay always gave me supportive hugs, he just wrapped me in his arms and I would forget the outside world, even if I didn't want too. I would breathe in his soft smell, and calm down slightly as he stroked my back, and whispered to me in a reassuring manner, kissing my head. This was the first time the action required reversing. E.g, me being the person controlling it._

_He wrapped his arms around me, realising the gesture I was creating and returning it, and he shook slightly in my arms, as he clung on to me a little bit tighter..I kissed his head, new to all this relationship angst, the hurt, the problems that weren't mine, hoping that I was doing something right, something that was somehow helping him through the pain he felt. The girl he had lost was the same age as his sister, of course he was bound to be affected in a certain way, specially when the patient in question had stored so much faith and trust in Jay_

_I wasn't surprised that Jay was the person that she had chosen to confide in, he was one of the most sensitive, kind nurses I had ever worked with. Also one of the most hyper and immature, but the sides of him balanced together quite well, he joked when he needed too, but he also knew which patients required a softer approach._  
_"Thanks for being here Ruth" he said, kissing the top of my head, and I just nodded, and I held his hand. _

_Did I avoid telling him because he was already upset, or was it just pure avoidance tactics? Maybe a bit of both. Or maybe it was because I was scared of what I could loose. Another new feeling..I had something to loose that meant a great deal to me._


	4. Nobody screws up like Ruth Winters

**_Thanks for all the feedback guys, another chapter for you! Keep reviewing, much love! xx_**

**_Ive realised I have a bit of a obsession with the Jay/Charlie buddy thing.._**

**___Ruth._**

New years eve.  
Indescribable. All those different feelings in one night.

5 hours earlier.  
"Right babe, your grabbing your coat, and coming with me with no arguments" Jay said, with his cheeky grin and wink, and I knew he had something planned..I didn't like surprises…maybe this would be different  
"Whatever you say" I said, pulling on my coat warily, and he excitedly took my hand and we bounced off. Correction, he bounced off…it was like walking a dog, and the dog was dragging you along. Not that Jay is a dog of any sort—whatever, I will leave that line so I don't cause any further offence.

We walked towards the car park, and I was wondering where we were going  
"Err, Jay,hate to alert you- bus stops this way" I said, with my usual sugar coated sarcasm  
"Err, Ruth, hate to alert you- my cars this way" Jay said, and my eyes widened slightly  
"that's right, I have a car now" Jay said, pressing something on the key and looking quite frustrated that the car he was sat in front of didn't respond  
"Ah, wrong car" Jay said, looking mortified and embarrassed, and led me towards a black mini.  
"Oh, smooth" I said, and Jay laughed, and opened one of the doors  
"For you my lady" he said, grin fixed on, he shut the door gently, and got in the other side himself.  
"Are you..ready?" Jay had asked,  
"Im sure I should be" I said, and Jay gave a light chuckle  
He drove me to a small remote park, he was quite a sensible driver considering this was Jay…he wasn't too fast, he indicated a lot more then he needed too, and didn't overtake learners..I had to let out a smirk when he said "he didn't want to overtake learners because it had scared him when he was one"

He parked the car, and got something out of the boot, and he grabbed one hand and took me along to the back of the park  
"Where are we going?" I asked, a little suspiciously  
"Trust me ninja girl " he said, and I smiled again, in spite of myself.  
He eventually lead me along to a small shed, which had lights in it  
"Jay.." I said, as I reached it..but he put a finger to my lips  
"I used to hang out here all the time when I was younger..and I had always said, when I care I share, I care about you, so im sharing my hideout with you" Jay said, sounding quite soppy and cute

"thank you" I said truthfully, and stepped inside. It truly was now mine and his..he had pasted pictures of me and him there, he had 2010 signs pasted around them. He had pictures of me, pictures of him, and he had a radio in there aswell.  
"Do you want to move in?" I blurted out…I couldn't quite believe I had said that..Jay had been pestering me about moving in for a while..something about not wanting to live with his nan because all of his sisters were there and it was a "crowded girly house" but I had always maintained the answer no…but upon watching him with that patient, his joker persona completely faded, I found myself realising, maybe it would be nice if I let myself go, let myself be happy  
"are you serious?" jay asked,  
"yeah" I said, with a smile, and he picked me up and whirled me around in a tight hug, he looked so happy, on top of the world.

At half past 11, Jay drove me to the hospital car park  
"Back again?" I asked him, surprised  
"this is where the party is" he said, with a coy wink, and I saw all the members of staff standing in a certain area, their glasses of champagne raised. Obviously nobody had hired the hall that Noel had been reminding them about..  
"we should bring in the new year with everyones support" he said, smiling, and I grinned with him.  
And then..

"Jay I need to tell you something" I had said,a minute before midnight, I cracked. I admit it was awful timing but I couldn't carry on living a lie, and this would benefit him in the long run, so he knew it wasn't his fault  
"Cant it wait babe?" he asked, and suddenly party poppers started going..It was now or never  
"I aborted our baby..I didn't miscarry it" I said, and the big ben chimed in 2010..Everyone was jumping up and down, clapping me on the back, clapping Jay on the back, but all I wanted to see was his reaction to what I had just told him, but the crowd were so pushed together. I saw Jay, his eyes wide with shock, looking at me while Adam quickly fitted in a hug with him. His eyes suddenly glazed over, and he knew he needed to make an action

"Jay?" I said quietly, as he stalked past me  
"Give me some time yeah?" he said, not sounding angry, bitter, or anything else..just hurt  
"Jay.." I started again  
"Why couldn't you tell me?" he pleaded with me  
"I-I-.." I faltered..I didn't know. Using Sarah Evans as a excuse would be a pathetic way of doing things, and it would sound so much like she influenced me. Maybe she did in a way…but I had spent too long pinning things on other people, I was the one who swallowed the pill, not Jay, not Sarah. Nobody had pushed me to say anything.  
"I should of knew. Why didn't you tell me earlier..when we were back together..breaking up?" Jay asked, and his voice cracked  
"I couldn't face loosing you again or hurting you" I said, a tear glistening in my eye itself  
"I have blamed myself for that for so long..thought it was because of the argument, the way I was" Jay said, darkly, sounding more bitter, more raw emotion.  
"I need to sit down" he said, his voice only a mere shadow of what it was 10 minutes ago  
"Jay let me come with you" I said, looking at his eyes  
"I need to be alone" Jay said coldly, reminding me of a person I once knew. Me.

Tess came up behind me  
"Is everything ok?" She asked me, after a "happy new year" hug  
"he knows" I said in a monotone, and sunk against the wall behind me  
"He knows." I repeated, and Tess sighed  
"How did he take it?" she asked, in a matter of fact tone  
"Hes upset" I said, tears starting to cascade down my face..i put my head down, nobody could see me so lost, so defeated.  
"Give him some time" Tess said smartly, as if I didn't know that.  
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her leave..I saw her whisper something into a smiling Charlies ear, and his look quickly changed to one of concern as he and Tess both re-entered the hospital again, im presuming that Charlie has gone to look for Jay with Tess' guidance.

"Find him?" I said, sharply as Tess came out of the building 10 minutes later  
"Yeah, in the on call room on the bottom floor" Tess said, with a small smile  
"happy new year" tess said again, before walking off.  
I kicked the ground harshly with one foot  
"but it isn't, is it, it never is" I said bitterly, and put my hood up. I didn't care if I had to wait there all night, camp out in the rain, the snow, any unbeatable weather condition. I was waiting for Jay and I would until he came out of the hospital, with or without Charlie in tow. For once, it was my turn to fight for him, I don't know if we have broken up, but my feelings need to be known.

But for now, Jays got a confidant, and I have nobody, apart from the people who give me funny looks as they leave the E.D. I never knew people were so judgemental about a young woman collapsing in sobs against a wall, looking terrified and broken. It was normal in this place. It was because it was me. The usual irrepressible bitchy doctor Winters, had finally had a taste of her own medicine.  
  



End file.
